I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
