i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
