whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
