Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
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Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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