It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you made out with another girl for some wings
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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