I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
