I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
