I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
