she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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