I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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