i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
