Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
