Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
