The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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