How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
