Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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