its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
