she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
