all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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