Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
