It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
