Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
