We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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