Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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