What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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