your thong is hanging out like whoa
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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