Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
