How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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