Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I love you. Go after that dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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