you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
