There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
