my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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