we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
