I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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