Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
