you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
