a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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