1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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