Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
