Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
