FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
