Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
