True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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