I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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