the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
