Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
