If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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