She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
People in love make me want to vomit
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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