Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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