you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
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You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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