Moan for me like Helen Keller
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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