Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
