Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
