So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
