his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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