my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
